Passion directed

Falling in love has shown me just how much time & energy I can put into something. It is a visceral reminder of the lengths I go to when passion is in play. I’ve done it many times before. Getting up for varsity team practices before (high) school. 30-40 hour sleepless stretches of work spent labouring over design studio projects during architecture studies. Waking up at an “ungodly” hour to watch a World Cup Soccer match live in a distant time zone… repeatedly over a 40-day period. Passion pushes me.

But when I look at how much I can do for my own self-interest, I realize how much more I can do towards my relationship with Christ the King. I love my father, Derek G. I maintain regular contact with him, sometimes several phone calls a week. I pray for him. I encourage him. I talk about him CONSTANTLY. I praise him to others. I am real with him. Am I less so with my Heavenly Father? It’s hard to gauge but I fear the answer is (at times) ‘yes’.

Is it ok with God if my attentiveness to Him cycles through sine waves of activity? I’m going to guess that He’s more merciful and understanding about it than I can imagine. But I anxiously gather myself to face Him adroitly and renew commitment to pursue Him passionately. I ask Him to light a fire in me to seek His will and live out His plans for my life… ‘cause that’s the only way it’s gonna get done in any semblance of excellence. I’m glad He’s doing the work in & through me. I’m glad I can rely on His love to draw me to Him. I’m glad I have the Holy Spirit to sharpen & renew my mind—a constant companion.

Given away too soon?

Why is it bad to give your heart to someone in a short period of time? How soon is too soon? My search for the answer began with the question, “What is the cost?”

Distraction from the life plans and projects already in the works-- that is the principle cost to my life. I’m not good at focusing. I’m not good at channeling and harness my energy. I can focus. But it requires a lot of prayer and commitment. Otherwise I just do whatever.

Distraction points to the real crime— idolatry. “Giving my heart away” is tantamount to idolatry because, essentially, all else is swept off the table and I focus hard core on one person, out of passion. One way of keeping God first in my life is by tending to the plans & projects I think He’s leading me to & through. Maintaining those commitments is an integral part of maintaining contact & communication with the Holy Spirit. Abandoning them = neglecting God = put Him on a lower rung. Once God is #2 in my thoughts, calendar & wallet, I’ve entered the world of idolatry. Ummm not good.

How soon is too soon? The answer is different for everyone. I am supernaturally inclined to open my heart to a connection with a person very quickly. I’m supernaturally inclined to deepen a connection within days. I say “supernaturally” because I’ve been that way since the womb. I believe God designed me that way. But to be open to marrying someone after only 3 weeks, without even meeting in person, is like moving a the speed of sound… even for me. In fact I’d say it’s Mach 3 for me. But at least I’m measuring it against my own experience and capacity, and not someone else’s.

What is the remedy for Mach 3 speed? Refocus time and energy on the priorities God has made clear to you about life & relationship with Him.

• Complete tasks and keep planned commitments.
• Be in the Word and attend church regularly.
• Continue studying facets of righteous living.

On the other hand, feelings can’t be manufactured. They are what they are. A mind & mouth may want to respond in a certain way before a heart is ready. But there’s no denying the unrest & unease of a rushed heart. So let the heart lead. If there’s no major action decision to be made, let the heart lead the mind. Don’t speak about emotions that aren’t yet solidified in the heart. When peace and comfort resides in the heart, speak freely of affection. Until then, restrain the mind & mouth.

Never too many kisses

I’ve learned so much in the last few days. It all started with thinking about sex… intimacy really. What is accomplished through copious amounts of sex in a marriage? Tenderness. I want tenderness in my life. I need tenderness in my life. I’ve been a crusty, reckless, hurtful person enough of my life so far. I want peace and tenderness now… within me, in my relationships, in my present and in my future.

It’s not so much that I crave intercourse. I’m not seeking hot, sweaty, marathon, chandelier-swinging sex on a near-constant basis. I desire gentle body contact-- extended hugs or slow dancing moments of intimac-- and whatever else that leads to. It’s more about the intimacy and less about the ecstasy—the emotional versus the physical stimulation. Why? What’s the reward? I know that when I have a great afternoon talking with my best friend, my disposition is influenced long after we go our separate ways. The love that is poured out in those times of sharing, spills over into the rest of my day and interactions with other people and my perspective on things. I love that! Call it the ripple effect of intimacy or “aftershocks of love”. I want to extra doses of love to spill over into the rest of my life. Happily, I haven’t been a bump on a log waiting for a spouse to come along to create those moments. I share very loving one-on-one time with several close friends, mostly women.

Thinking about tenderness made me wonder why I yearn for such megadoses. Perhaps it has to do with “emotional bruises”. Until recently I’ve been in denial about how much “bruising” I’ve suffered in my past, particularly with men. It seemed ideal to simply “get over” negative experiences… and not look back. It’s the “not looking back” that forms the nutshell of denial. Just because I insist “I’m fine” doesn’t mean it’s true. No, the bruises seem to linger as long as they aren’t tend to. They diminish. But they linger and haunt like old neglected wounds… ghost pain surfacing from time to time. What’s the cost? Much like a bruised leg may cause a limp, emotional bruising can influence actions, choices, and behavior patterns. Instead of drifting through life like a zombie, I should be purposeful in my actions, right?

Sifting through scar tissue and scabs is not a fun exercise. Admitting weakness and error, realizing you’ve been taken advantage of and abused seems to undermine one’s sense of self. To the contrary, all that exploratory surgery leads to the unveiling of a more authentic (self) portrait. I’ve always been ok with having flaws. It’s actually a relief to know that I’m not perfect. I’m a little surprised by how far wrong I can be but there’s relief in dispersing the haze of denial. It’s kinda like getting your taxes done. Even if you don’t get a refund, at least it’s DONE. Back to tenderness.

So now the yearning for tenderness seems like intuitively reaching for anti-venom after a snake bite. It’s a kiss for every boo-boo. Hopefully one day there’ll be more kisses than boo-boos. But as life unfurls, dispensing trials & tribs, you can never have too many kisses. Right?