in the glare of a spotlight...

I failed.

I sent the RIGHT message… without JOY.

Last night was the final curtain on my first play performance. The five performances of God’s Favorite in four days was definitely a stretching experience. This morning I awoke to memories of me crying backstage after my high school AIR BAND performance of Bobby Brown’s My Prerogative brought the house down. The applause was insane. Yet there I sat in a pool of tears feeling convicted that I’d poured JOY into the WRONG message.

Everybody's talking all this stuff about me
Why don't they just let me live?
I don't need permission
Make my own decisions
That's my prerogative
It's my prerogative

The lyrics could not be more contrary to the news of salvation that Christ brought and asks his followers to share with mankind. Baptized just weeks before the AIR BAND show, there I stood mouthing the words of stubborn & self-righteous fool who has continued down a path of destruction. I felt awful that night… inconsolable. I didn’t feel much better this morning. Part of a verse has been ringing in my head for the last few days. Serve the LORD with gladness. This evening I looked it up.

Psalm 100

1 Make a joyful noise unto the LORD, all ye lands.

2 Serve the LORD with gladness: come before his presence with singing.

3 Know ye that the LORD he is God: it is he that hath made us, and not we ourselves; we are his people, and the sheep of his pasture.

4 Enter into his gates with thanksgiving, and into his courts with praise: be thankful unto him, and bless his name.

5 For the LORD is good; his mercy is everlasting; and his truth endureth to all generations.

I consented to be part of a play that expresses the RIGHT message. I was part of an attempt to tell a few hundred people that God loves us all. But every step of that journey felt like my feet were encased in cement blocks. I reminded people that I did NOT originally want to be in the production. And despite accepting a role, I wasn’t part of the cast… not really. Surrounded by unfamiliar tasks, expectations, and people, I played the role of the lone wolf to the hilt. Every time someone tried to encourage me I insisted that my heart wasn’t in it. This isn't my thing. Persevering in the right direction without joy leads to a very hollow victory.

This evening I had a good cry in the kitchen. You know those hear-rending sobs that shake your entire body, upset babies and curdle milk? Yeah, I had one of those cries… again. Telling God how sorry I am that I petulantly short-changed Him in my heart & my efforts. I’m sorry that I missed an opportunity to live out a creative love that I’ve secretly enjoyed my whole life.

Yep, I’ve seen myself onstage in my mind at least a million times. I’ve dreamt about being a comedienne who pokes fun at Christianity… delivering a sermon in stealth mode… between the laughs. I’ve relived conversations in the bathroom mirror… to master oration synchronized perfectly with facial expressions. I’ve prosyletized to the air in my bedroom… solo practice extolling the virtues of my design solution to architecture profs & practitioners for an upcoming crit. Yeah, I’ve been a dramatist for a long time… entertaining school mates, friends, strangers, and co-workers. And yet I blew a sweet opportunity to sink my teeth into a stage production tailor-made for me. Great cast. Great director. Small theatre. Friends saw the show. And I blew it…on the inside… where I’m accountable to God. He knows I blew it. And now you know too.

People love to discuss & poke fun at human beings caught in the glare of paparazzi. Britney Spears shaved all her golden locks off. Lindsay Lohan is in rehab for substance abuse. It’s gotta hurt to have the entire world watch you make all your mistakes…and condemn you. How many mothers have innocently mishandled their baby, nearly dropping a child. How many people have hung out with people who don’t care if they live or die? Making a mistake is one thing. Placing it, or having it shoved, at the feet of others is quite another.

Fortunately, my Heavenly Father is the God of DO-OVERS (aka second chances). It’s possible He’ll let me try again. And when He does, I’ll be sure to invest more JOY.

I’ll close with this. Before the last two performances I played & sang a new favorite song—You are Good [by Greg Kirkland]

LORD you are good and your mercy endureth forever.

[LORD you are good. Yeah] x2

People from every nation & tongue from generation to generation

We worship you! Hallelujah Hallelujah!

We worship you for who you are.

You are good!

Does that count as serving with a little joy? Maybe I can convince the director to do a musical! wink

God's Favorite... who knew?!

Well, my play begins its 4-day run tomorrow night. FINALLY! Tonight's final dress rehearsal went well. I almost missed a line tonight. But it's hard to mistake EVERYONE onstage looking directly at me as a cue that it's my turn to speak. LOL. Yeah actually NOT LAUGHING when someone ad libs or the lines get all messed up... THAT'S the hard part. How do you practice NOT laughing... in a comedy?! Too funny.

I made several discoveries through this adventure. Being new to drama, and the cast & crew members, I took my typical lone wolf approach. What I was surprised to learn is that live drama is like a team sport. I thought I only had to know my lines & cues. Eventually I learned how to "save" a scene when an actor forgets their line or skips a whole page of script... team work. Plus you REALLY can't afford to get down about anything because the kind of performance that's demanded requires every ounce of confidence one can muster. Being a hockey parent to a dramatist wouldn't pass in the real world. Is being a hockey parent ever acceptable? Because I have so few lines, I spend at least an hour waiting backstage. When I come off after NOT executing my lines flawlessly, it's harder to shake it off than throwing an interception in football. In football I don't have any time to dwell on my mistake. If I don't pick my own spirits up immediately I'll keep throwing interceptions... uh which has happened. I learned to purge my memory so that I forget the imterception & move on... to the point where I can get to the end of a game and not fully remember what happened. No fear of that in drama. I exit the stage & sit in my dressing room pummeling myself over botching 1 of my 12 lines. Brutal. Another weird thing that I discovered tonight-- I get nervous the first few seconds before I'm on stage... and want to laugh. Yes, I've had a nervous laugh for years. When I'm in tense situations or am feeling uncomfortable, I giggle. It can be rather annoying. My first stage entrance tonight found me smiling ridiculously in a desperate attempt to reign myself in. Once I'm out there for a few seconds the nervosity subsides. One of the actors, Mark, helped me figure out a strategy-- focus on another actor onstage... really soak up whatever they're saying. That works unless... I'M THE ONE WHO'S SUPPOSED TO BE TALKING. In which case, I struggle through going blank in my shining moments of the play. FREAKIN' BRUTAL. Oy vay!

I'm not sure how many more times I'll write about how the play goes but I'm glad I did this one. It'll be nice to look back on. I'm REALLY looking forward to Sunday. I'm glad I can't fast-forward life because I enjoyed learning how much of life is so very mental. Plus, even as I play the lone (disgruntled) wolf I REALLY enjoyed soaking up other people's essence... lovely souls. Very fun cast & crew. I'm glad I got to meet them all. GREAT DIRECTOR !!! wink